Blue walls, lime green curtains, stuffed animals, and precious onesies. Personalized bibs, diapers, pacifiers, and car seats. Picture frames with cute little sayings about our precious family and our little baby boy. His crib sits with matching sheets and adorable bumper pads. His little high chair, baby seat, and play mat are all pieced together sit in different corners of his room. The letters of his name line the dresser, waiting to be hung on the wall. Yet something is missing…
Day after day I find myself sitting, rocking in his precious room. A room his daddy and I have chosen and planned specifically for him. Yet, the reality remains, something is missing.
As exciting as it has been to pick out the perfect stroller for our little man, and to dream about going on walks with him, it is not complete. I love feeling his kicks and little movements all throughout the day, but the void still remains. The picture frames are adorable, yet there is no face to place inside the frame. Something is missing, he is missing!
I can look at all the baby stuff in the world, design the cutest room, and pick out the best diaper bag there ever was, but without our son, it is all empty. This momma to be has been feeling the emptiness recently.
I don’t want to look at an empty crib anymore. I don’t want to see little outfits with tags perfectly in place and not a stain to be noticed. I don’t want to see an empty swing with no baby to fill it (peaceful or crying). I don’t want to see his precious name written throughout our home, and have no face to put with this special name.
There is a longing, a tension, the already…he is ALREADY our son, he is ALREADY in our family. But, the not yet…we do NOT YET know him, I have NOT YET held him in my arms and looked into his precious face.
44 days, this is how far we are from our “due date.” I hold this number loosely. We could meet him sooner, or we could meet him later. But, nevertheless, we are closer today than we were yesterday, and in this my heart swarms with excitement. Every night I dream about our son. Some dreams are me messing up big time as his momma, other dreams are filled with laughter and love as I envision our family. He is indeed on my mind, all the time! It is in this time of waiting, this time of realizing that something is missing, our son has not yet come that I remember a quote I read a few years ago:
“The critical question for our generation—and for every generation—
is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the
friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and
all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties
you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no
human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with
heaven, if Christ were not there? ” -John Piper
Everything is set in place, it is as it should be in our home. But, Colby Ellison, is not here. Although I have never seen him face to face, there is an ever present awareness that he is not here, and we long for him to be!
This small picture into my current hearts desire to meet our boy has caused me to return to another missing factor in my life. My life is good, our family is healthy, our daily needs are met, I am satisfied in my relationship with Christ. But, He is not here, physically. His presence is felt, and I know He is with me. (1 Peter 1:8-9) But, there will come a day when I will see my Savior face to face. When the things I have read in His word come to life. When the daily choices I have made for His name will make sense. When the lonely places in my heart will be fully satisfied in His presence where there is fullness of joy! (Revelation 21:4)
If I could do a toe touch right now, I would! When we recognize something is missing, we long for it all the more. I am so glad there is something more to being a mom than big bellies, leg cramps, and empty cribs. I am so glad there is more to being a follower of Christ than reading the Bible, going to church, and serving on short term mission trips. There is a face, a person, a relationship, a reason…a SON! (Isaiah 7:14)
Wherever you find yourself today, take heart. There is SO MUCH MORE than what we have today. Cling to your Savior today, the time spent thinking of Him and being in His presence today will only make our reunion with Him so much sweeter!by